'Twas the Night Before KRAMPUS

Ever wonder what happens to the boys and girls who don't make Santa's "nice" list?  They fall victim to the fearsome beast named...Krampus.  Tonight, we present a special Christmas tale called..."Twas the Night Before Krampus."

Listen to the MP3 of this poem by clicking here! 

Twas the night before Christmas

And deep in our bunker

My mom, dad, sister and

I did hunker.

The streetlights were dark

No carolers sang

not even the blessings

of church bells rang.

And beneath our beds

We all huddled tight

And hoped he would pass

by our house tonight.

Everyone knows of

Jolly Saint Nick

and the gifts he brings

on his single night trick.

And the presents and baubles

and candy and toys

that he brings every Christmas

to good girls and boys

But it wasn't the man

with red suit and white beard

whose annual Christmas

visit we feared

Outside in the snow

we heard a loud howl

the crunching of ice

and an animal growl

I heard it sniff by our

window payne

then a throaty laugh

and saw red eyes like flame

My sister and I

both stared horrified

and prayed that the creature

could not get inside

but a moment later

a thundering pound

turned our door to splinters

all over the ground

I screamed as the creature

into our home came

This horrible beast

Von Krampus by name

He was massively tall

At least seven feet

From the points of his horns

to his hoof-shodden feet

Across his back what I

Mistook for a coat

Was the shaggy long hair

of a filthy dead goat

And I cried and I swallowed

My terrified pangs

at the sight of his wickedly

razor-sharp fangs.

His claw-fingered hands

looked ready for pain

in one was a bullwhip

the other a chain

He growled and sneered

and laughed for a while

then he pointed at us

and said "Naughty" with a smile

My sister and I

Both shook with fear

what terrible things

had we done this year?

We tried to be good

and thought we succeeded

we minded our manners

no punishment needed

We both made good grades!

We neither one lied

or cheated or stole

We had nothing to hide!

But Krampus still came

With his evil heart black

to steal us away,

Stuff us in his sack

To take us away

to his punishment cave

where all the bad children

forever his slaves

We turned to our parents

behind them to hide

but they both shook their heads

and sadly stepped aside

"You must face the music"

My father lamented

Von Krampus then laughed

his expression demented

My sister and I

hugged each other tight

And prayed that someone

could save us that night

And just when we gave up

and all hope was gone

there came a loud clatter

from out on the lawn

With a tinkle of bells

our spirits did lift

Von Krampus snarled

the air he did sniff

On the wind came the scent

of holly and pine

of gingerbread cookies

and holiday wine

In the doorway he stood

in his suit of bright red

St. Nicholas came!

We cried out and said:

"Save us St. Nicholas!

There's been a mistake!

We've been good all year!

You can't let him take..."

"Hold on!  Not so fast!"

He raised his great hand

"There is something happening

you don't understand!

Von Krampus did come

that much is true

but the demon of Christmas

did NOT come for you."

At the demon we stared

both of us confused.

He had to be here for

somebody...but who?

Then I started to think

and all became clear.

Who'd been the naughtiest

of all that year?

Well...Mommy drank vodka

by pitchers and glasses

and Daddy watched porn

and cheated on taxes.

And Mommy spent far too much

time on her hair

and Daddy had something

he called "an affair."

And Mommy spent all of

my birthday money.

And Daddy called sister

his own secret honey

The more that I thought

the more I understood

We children were fine,

But the parents, no good.

"But Krampus takes children!"

My father protested.

And Santa's face twisted

toward the man he detested.

"Christmas time is for children,

And gifts to be given.

You took their innocence

and that can't be forgiven.

You scared them into silence

their souls you did twist

And to top it off told them

I didn't exist.

For your your lifelong naughtiness

The piper must be paid."

And set Krampus upon them

with a dismissive wave.

The adults screamed as they

went into his sack

And we cried until Santa

patted my back.

"What's wrong?" Asked Saint Nickolas

"I thought you'd be happy

to be rid of those people

who treated you crappy."

"We are," I sniffed,

sincere as could be.

"But what is to become

of my sister and me?"

St. Nickolas smiled

And laughed loud and deep

As did Krampus, A sound

that still haunts my sleep

"Why, you'll come with me!"

He said with great joy.

"I have great use for

a good girl and boy!

You'll come to my workshop

and work with my elves

I promise that you will

enjoy yourselves!

I'll teach you my secrets

my toy making ways

And you'll take over when

I've ended my days!"

"But..."  Said my sister.

"What about him?

Won't Krampus be lonely?"

She scratched his chin

"I wish to thank him

And I know the way

I will go with him and

be his protoge!"

And so, from Kris Kringle

I learned to make toys

and my sister to torture

Naughty girls and boys.

And every evening

from that point thereafter

My dreams were full of parent screams

and my sister's laughter.

And so this ends our

Happy Christmas Story

If you're nice and not naughty

You've no need to worry

But if your heart's full of coal

and you're an evil mister

Try to hide, but you'll soon meet

Krampus and my sister.