Friday, December 16, 2011

'Twas the Night Before KRAMPUS

Ever wonder what happens to the boys and girls who don't make Santa's "nice" list?  They fall victim to the fearsome beast named...Krampus.  Tonight, we present a special Christmas tale called..."Twas the Night Before Krampus."

Twas the night before Christmas
And deep in our bunker
My mom, dad, sister and
I did hunker.

The streetlights were dark
No carolers sang
not even the blessings
of church bells rang.

And beneath our beds
We all huddled tight
And hoped he would pass
by our house tonight.

Everyone knows of
Jolly Saint Nick
and the gifts he brings
on his single night trick.

And the presents and baubles
and candy and toys
that he brings every Christmas
to good girls and boys

But it wasn't the man
with red suit and white beard
whose annual Christmas
visit we feared

Outside in the snow
we heard a loud howl
the crunching of ice
and an animal growl

I heard it sniff by our
window payne
then a throaty laugh
and saw red eyes like flame

My sister and I
both stared horrified
and prayed that the creature
could not get inside

but a moment later
a thundering pound
turned our door to splinters
all over the ground

I screamed as the creature
into our home came
This horrible beast
Von Krampus by name

He was massively tall
At least seven feet
From the points of his horns
to his hoof-shodden feet

Across his back what I
Mistook for a coat
Was the shaggy long hair
of a filthy dead goat

And I cried and I swallowed
My terrified pangs
at the sight of his wickedly
razor-sharp fangs.

His claw-fingered hands
looked ready for pain
in one was a bullwhip
the other a chain

He growled and sneered
and laughed for a while
then he pointed at us
and said "Naughty" with a smile

My sister and I
Both shook with fear
what terrible things
had we done this year?

We tried to be good
and thought we succeeded
we minded our manners
no punishment needed

We both made good grades!
We neither one lied
or cheated or stole
We had nothing to hide!

But Krampus still came
With his evil heart black
to steal us away,
Stuff us in his sack

To take us away
to his punishment cave
where all the bad children
forever his slaves

We turned to our parents
behind them to hide
but they both shook their heads
and sadly stepped aside

"You must face the music"
My father lamented
Von Krampus then laughed
his expression demented

My sister and I
hugged each other tight
And prayed that someone
could save us that night

And just when we gave up
and all hope was gone
there came a loud clatter
from out on the lawn

With a tinkle of bells
our spirits did lift
Von Krampus snarled
the air he did sniff

On the wind came the scent
of holly and pine
of gingerbread cookies
and holiday wine

In the doorway he stood
in his suit of bright red
St. Nicholas came!
We cried out and said:

"Save us St. Nicholas!
There's been a mistake!
We've been good all year!
You can't let him take..."

"Hold on!  Not so fast!"
He raised his great hand
"There is something happening
you don't understand!

Von Krampus did come
that much is true
but the demon of Christmas
did NOT come for you."

At the demon we stared
both of us confused.
He had to be here for
somebody...but who?

Then I started to think
and all became clear.
Who'd been the naughtiest
of all that year?

Well...Mommy drank vodka
by pitchers and glasses
and Daddy watched porn
and cheated on taxes.

And Mommy spent far too much
time on her hair
and Daddy had something
he called "an affair."

And Mommy spent all of
my birthday money.
And Daddy called sister
his own secret honey

The more that I thought
the more I understood
We children were fine,
But the parents, no good.

"But Krampus takes children!"
My father protested.
And Santa's face twisted
toward the man he detested.

"Christmas time is for children,
And gifts to be given.
You took their innocence
and that can't be forgiven.

You scared them into silence
their souls you did twist
And to top it off told them
I didn't exist.

For your your lifelong naughtiness
The piper must be paid."
And set Krampus upon them
with a dismissive wave.

The adults screamed as they
went into his sack
And we cried until Santa
patted my back.

"What's wrong?" Asked Saint Nickolas
"I thought you'd be happy
to be rid of those people
who treated you crappy."

"We are," I sniffed,
sincere as could be.
"But what is to become
of my sister and me?"

St. Nickolas smiled
And laughed loud and deep
As did Krampus, A sound
that still haunts my sleep

"Why, you'll come with me!"
He said with great joy.
"I have great use for
a good girl and boy!

You'll come to my workshop
and work with my elves
I promise that you will
enjoy yourselves!

I'll teach you my secrets
my toy making ways
And you'll take over when
I've ended my days!"

"But..."  Said my sister.
"What about him?
Won't Krampus be lonely?"
She scratched his chin

"I wish to thank him
And I know the way
I will go with him and
be his protoge!"

And so, from Kris Kringle
I learned to make toys
and my sister to torture
Naughty girls and boys.

And every evening
from that point thereafter
My dreams were full of parent screams
and my sister's laughter.

And so this ends our
Happy Christmas Story
If you're nice and not naughty
You've no need to worry

But if your heart's full of coal
and you're an evil mister
Try to hide, but you'll soon meet
Krampus and my sister.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Twas the Night Before Christmas...MY WAY.

I've been reading and performing this for years, but this is my version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas."  Hope you enjoy it.   I'll post the other version (Twas the Night Before Krampus) later. 

Listen to the MP3!

T'was the night before Christmas
In my mausoleum.
The ghosts were about
but only I could see 'em.

There were chains on the gates,
and snares on the ground.
Not good at Christmas
to have zombies walking around

The corpses were snuggled
and locked in their coffins.
And they never complained least not often.

And I hunkered down
inside my old crypt
and resumed my vigil
for the fat-man's night trip.

When from out in the grave yard
there arose such a ruccus
I ran past the headstones
with pants on my tuccus...

The moonlight fell down
in a softening glow
setting the headstones
alight in the snow.

Amid all the finery
of the white wonderland
I spied a lone zombie
chewing on a hand.

Then beyond, a few more
around the downed sleigh
I took up my pitchfork
and leapt in the fray

The zombies were feasting
on Santa's entrails
and wiping their mouths
on fluffy reindeer tails

I kicked them and beat them
and sent them a'scurry.
I had to save Santa
double quick in a hurry

But just as I cleared
away all the rot,
I found that my struggles
had all been for naught

Santa, what was left
was a puddle of goo,
the sleigh was demolished,
The reindeer dead too.

Poor children of the world,
for they would not see
any toys for Christmas.
All because of me.

I hadn't been quick enough
I'd slacked in my task
But I could set it right
with one favor to ask.

I lit a black candle
and knelt in the snow
for the old ones like ritual
like this, don't you know?

I called to Cthulhu
to beg him this favor.
In my determination
I never did waver.

The earth it did shake
and smoke gathered round
when the tentacled old-one
came up from the ground.

I asked him my favor,
he squinted his eye,
then he shook his head slowly
and said "Again?" with a sigh.

"This happened last year
in case you don't remember.
I usually like to see
people dismembered."

But I begged him please
and he sighed "very well,
but that's now five million years
you must spend in hell."

He waved his great arms
and blood did congeal,
wood did unsplinter,
contusions did heal.

The sleigh was intact,
none the worse for wear.
And the reindeer now lived,
despite missing some hair

And what of the fate
of the jolly-red elf?
Said the old one, "I'd planned
on eating him myself."

But a deal was a deal,
he had to concede.
The soul of the fat man,
for this year, was freed.

The goo pulled together
and began to reform
as toys all around him
began to swarm.

In an instant he was
as he was meant to be.
He seemed back to normal
from what I could see.

Some pieces were missing,
sure that I'll admit,
but we couldn't find everything
the zombies had bit..

But his nose like a button
and his great giant belly
both came back from
the puddle of jelly

He climbed in his sleigh
and whipped the deer hard
And flew with such speed
from my lonely graveyard.

And although I helped him,
I'll still get coal rocks
for a zombie destroyed
Old Saint Nick's voice box.

He was almost perfect,
the best I could do,
considering he'd just been
a puddle of goo.

He flew through the sky
and never looked back.
Who would, after such
a zombie attack?

But I did hear him call
as he drove out of sight,

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Looking Back, Looking Forward

We're mere weeks away from the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012.  Last year, around this time, I put up a list of goals for the following year.  I'm happy to say I accomplished most, if not all of them. I did, in fact, lose a great deal of weight (which I promptly gained back again when I quit smoking), got another book published, landed an agent, and did lots of good things that made me appear to be a shiny happy person.  Along the way, I learned a few things.  Among them:

  • No matter what I write here in this blog, someone's going to take offense.  And I will hear about it.
  • I have the best friends in the world and they're scattered all over the world.  Russia, South Korea, Pittsburgh, Texas, California...There are even a few that I don't know where the hell they are, but they're my dear friends anyway. 
  • It is possible to have a moment of true happiness, even it is a tiny one.  Those moments are what make life worth living. 
So, with that in mind, I figured I'd state a few goals for 2012 (provided the earth doesn't explode in some Mayan-predicted mishap, although that would be very entertaining).  Keep in mind, I feel the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing just begs to have them broken.  That's why these are goals.  
  • Lose weight.  Again.  I need to lose about sixty pounds.  And, here's the kicker, I want to do it by June.  I want to look good in my kilt for the next residency. 
  • More publishing.  The third book in the Stanley Cooper Chronicles will be out, but I also want to expand into other areas.  (Remind me to tell you about my friends Sonny Redwood and William Strange.)  I would also love it if my agent sold the two novels of mine she's shopping around. 
  • Write more.  Some people question what I mean when I say that because they know I'm ALWAYS working.  I have the disposition of a hermit much of the time because I'm always busy.  But there are more stories to be told. 
  • Read more.  Always.
  • Go to more conventions.  This year, I'm eyeballing Armadillocon and Austin Comic Con, but I'm open for any conventions a person wants to book me for.  
  • Get into better health.  That kind of falls under the losing weight thing, but it's more that I need to be more healthy again.  I want to be around to see my grandkids, if I get any.  That's not a hint!  I don't want grandkids right now!  I'm only 40 for crying out loud!  
  • Produce more.  That'll be interesting...More on that as it develops. 
So that's it.  Short list, right?  But, sitting here, in this chair, it feels almost insurmountable.  Almost.  One thing I can say:  I've never failed to reach a goal.  I just haven't.  It's not an option for me.  It's one of those things my Father instilled in me, a distinct lack of "quit."  So no matter what, I'll reach those goals.  

Now it's your turn.  What do you have planned for 2012?  Anything good?  Anything bad?  Leave it in the comments.  I'd be glad to hear from you.