Twas the Night Before Christmas...MY WAY.

I've been reading and performing this for years, but this is my version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas."  Hope you enjoy it.   I'll post the other version (Twas the Night Before Krampus) later. 




Listen to the MP3!

T'was the night before Christmas

In my mausoleum.

The ghosts were about

but only I could see 'em.

There were chains on the gates,

and snares on the ground.

Not good at Christmas

to have zombies walking around

The corpses were snuggled

and locked in their coffins.

And they never complained

well...at least not often.

And I hunkered down

inside my old crypt

and resumed my vigil

for the fat-man's night trip.

When from out in the grave yard

there arose such a ruccus

I ran past the headstones

with pants on my tuccus...

The moonlight fell down

in a softening glow

setting the headstones

alight in the snow.

Amid all the finery

of the white wonderland

I spied a lone zombie

chewing on a hand.

Then beyond, a few more

around the downed sleigh

I took up my pitchfork

and leapt in the fray

The zombies were feasting

on Santa's entrails

and wiping their mouths

on fluffy reindeer tails

I kicked them and beat them

and sent them a'scurry.

I had to save Santa

double quick in a hurry

But just as I cleared

away all the rot,

I found that my struggles

had all been for naught

Santa, what was left

was a puddle of goo,

the sleigh was demolished,

The reindeer dead too.

Poor children of the world,

for they would not see

any toys for Christmas.

All because of me.

I hadn't been quick enough

I'd slacked in my task

But I could set it right

with one favor to ask.

I lit a black candle

and knelt in the snow

for the old ones like ritual

like this, don't you know?

I called to Cthulhu

to beg him this favor.

In my determination

I never did waver.

The earth it did shake

and smoke gathered round

when the tentacled old-one

came up from the ground.

I asked him my favor,

he squinted his eye,

then he shook his head slowly

and said "Again?" with a sigh.

"This happened last year

in case you don't remember.

I usually like to see

people dismembered."

But I begged him please

and he sighed "very well,

but that's now five million years

you must spend in hell."

He waved his great arms

and blood did congeal,

wood did unsplinter,

contusions did heal.

The sleigh was intact,

none the worse for wear.

And the reindeer now lived,

despite missing some hair

And what of the fate

of the jolly-red elf?

Said the old one, "I'd planned

on eating him myself."

But a deal was a deal,

he had to concede.

The soul of the fat man,

for this year, was freed.

The goo pulled together

and began to reform

as toys all around him

began to swarm.

In an instant he was

as he was meant to be.

He seemed back to normal

from what I could see.

Some pieces were missing,

sure that I'll admit,

but we couldn't find everything

the zombies had bit..

But his nose like a button

and his great giant belly

both came back from

the puddle of jelly

He climbed in his sleigh

and whipped the deer hard

And flew with such speed

from my lonely graveyard.

And although I helped him,

I'll still get coal rocks

for a zombie destroyed

Old Saint Nick's voice box.

He was almost perfect,

the best I could do,

considering he'd just been

a puddle of goo.

He flew through the sky

and never looked back.

Who would, after such

a zombie attack?

But I did hear him call

as he drove out of sight,

"Arroughahghhghghtall

arrluglushjghgooghight!"