Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Twas the Night Before Christmas...MY WAY.

I've been reading and performing this for years, but this is my version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas."  Hope you enjoy it.   I'll post the other version (Twas the Night Before Krampus) later. 

Listen to the MP3!

T'was the night before Christmas
In my mausoleum.
The ghosts were about
but only I could see 'em.

There were chains on the gates,
and snares on the ground.
Not good at Christmas
to have zombies walking around

The corpses were snuggled
and locked in their coffins.
And they never complained least not often.

And I hunkered down
inside my old crypt
and resumed my vigil
for the fat-man's night trip.

When from out in the grave yard
there arose such a ruccus
I ran past the headstones
with pants on my tuccus...

The moonlight fell down
in a softening glow
setting the headstones
alight in the snow.

Amid all the finery
of the white wonderland
I spied a lone zombie
chewing on a hand.

Then beyond, a few more
around the downed sleigh
I took up my pitchfork
and leapt in the fray

The zombies were feasting
on Santa's entrails
and wiping their mouths
on fluffy reindeer tails

I kicked them and beat them
and sent them a'scurry.
I had to save Santa
double quick in a hurry

But just as I cleared
away all the rot,
I found that my struggles
had all been for naught

Santa, what was left
was a puddle of goo,
the sleigh was demolished,
The reindeer dead too.

Poor children of the world,
for they would not see
any toys for Christmas.
All because of me.

I hadn't been quick enough
I'd slacked in my task
But I could set it right
with one favor to ask.

I lit a black candle
and knelt in the snow
for the old ones like ritual
like this, don't you know?

I called to Cthulhu
to beg him this favor.
In my determination
I never did waver.

The earth it did shake
and smoke gathered round
when the tentacled old-one
came up from the ground.

I asked him my favor,
he squinted his eye,
then he shook his head slowly
and said "Again?" with a sigh.

"This happened last year
in case you don't remember.
I usually like to see
people dismembered."

But I begged him please
and he sighed "very well,
but that's now five million years
you must spend in hell."

He waved his great arms
and blood did congeal,
wood did unsplinter,
contusions did heal.

The sleigh was intact,
none the worse for wear.
And the reindeer now lived,
despite missing some hair

And what of the fate
of the jolly-red elf?
Said the old one, "I'd planned
on eating him myself."

But a deal was a deal,
he had to concede.
The soul of the fat man,
for this year, was freed.

The goo pulled together
and began to reform
as toys all around him
began to swarm.

In an instant he was
as he was meant to be.
He seemed back to normal
from what I could see.

Some pieces were missing,
sure that I'll admit,
but we couldn't find everything
the zombies had bit..

But his nose like a button
and his great giant belly
both came back from
the puddle of jelly

He climbed in his sleigh
and whipped the deer hard
And flew with such speed
from my lonely graveyard.

And although I helped him,
I'll still get coal rocks
for a zombie destroyed
Old Saint Nick's voice box.

He was almost perfect,
the best I could do,
considering he'd just been
a puddle of goo.

He flew through the sky
and never looked back.
Who would, after such
a zombie attack?

But I did hear him call
as he drove out of sight,


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