Friday, December 16, 2011

'Twas the Night Before KRAMPUS


Ever wonder what happens to the boys and girls who don't make Santa's "nice" list?  They fall victim to the fearsome beast named...Krampus.  Tonight, we present a special Christmas tale called..."Twas the Night Before Krampus."



Twas the night before Christmas
And deep in our bunker
My mom, dad, sister and
I did hunker.

The streetlights were dark
No carolers sang
not even the blessings
of church bells rang.

And beneath our beds
We all huddled tight
And hoped he would pass
by our house tonight.

Everyone knows of
Jolly Saint Nick
and the gifts he brings
on his single night trick.

And the presents and baubles
and candy and toys
that he brings every Christmas
to good girls and boys

But it wasn't the man
with red suit and white beard
whose annual Christmas
visit we feared

Outside in the snow
we heard a loud howl
the crunching of ice
and an animal growl

I heard it sniff by our
window payne
then a throaty laugh
and saw red eyes like flame

My sister and I
both stared horrified
and prayed that the creature
could not get inside

but a moment later
a thundering pound
turned our door to splinters
all over the ground

I screamed as the creature
into our home came
This horrible beast
Von Krampus by name

He was massively tall
At least seven feet
From the points of his horns
to his hoof-shodden feet

Across his back what I
Mistook for a coat
Was the shaggy long hair
of a filthy dead goat

And I cried and I swallowed
My terrified pangs
at the sight of his wickedly
razor-sharp fangs.

His claw-fingered hands
looked ready for pain
in one was a bullwhip
the other a chain

He growled and sneered
and laughed for a while
then he pointed at us
and said "Naughty" with a smile

My sister and I
Both shook with fear
what terrible things
had we done this year?

We tried to be good
and thought we succeeded
we minded our manners
no punishment needed

We both made good grades!
We neither one lied
or cheated or stole
We had nothing to hide!

But Krampus still came
With his evil heart black
to steal us away,
Stuff us in his sack

To take us away
to his punishment cave
where all the bad children
forever his slaves

We turned to our parents
behind them to hide
but they both shook their heads
and sadly stepped aside

"You must face the music"
My father lamented
Von Krampus then laughed
his expression demented

My sister and I
hugged each other tight
And prayed that someone
could save us that night

And just when we gave up
and all hope was gone
there came a loud clatter
from out on the lawn

With a tinkle of bells
our spirits did lift
Von Krampus snarled
the air he did sniff

On the wind came the scent
of holly and pine
of gingerbread cookies
and holiday wine

In the doorway he stood
in his suit of bright red
St. Nicholas came!
We cried out and said:

"Save us St. Nicholas!
There's been a mistake!
We've been good all year!
You can't let him take..."

"Hold on!  Not so fast!"
He raised his great hand
"There is something happening
you don't understand!

Von Krampus did come
that much is true
but the demon of Christmas
did NOT come for you."

At the demon we stared
both of us confused.
He had to be here for
somebody...but who?

Then I started to think
and all became clear.
Who'd been the naughtiest
of all that year?

Well...Mommy drank vodka
by pitchers and glasses
and Daddy watched porn
and cheated on taxes.

And Mommy spent far too much
time on her hair
and Daddy had something
he called "an affair."

And Mommy spent all of
my birthday money.
And Daddy called sister
his own secret honey

The more that I thought
the more I understood
We children were fine,
But the parents, no good.

"But Krampus takes children!"
My father protested.
And Santa's face twisted
toward the man he detested.

"Christmas time is for children,
And gifts to be given.
You took their innocence
and that can't be forgiven.

You scared them into silence
their souls you did twist
And to top it off told them
I didn't exist.

For your your lifelong naughtiness
The piper must be paid."
And set Krampus upon them
with a dismissive wave.

The adults screamed as they
went into his sack
And we cried until Santa
patted my back.

"What's wrong?" Asked Saint Nickolas
"I thought you'd be happy
to be rid of those people
who treated you crappy."

"We are," I sniffed,
sincere as could be.
"But what is to become
of my sister and me?"

St. Nickolas smiled
And laughed loud and deep
As did Krampus, A sound
that still haunts my sleep

"Why, you'll come with me!"
He said with great joy.
"I have great use for
a good girl and boy!

You'll come to my workshop
and work with my elves
I promise that you will
enjoy yourselves!

I'll teach you my secrets
my toy making ways
And you'll take over when
I've ended my days!"

"But..."  Said my sister.
"What about him?
Won't Krampus be lonely?"
She scratched his chin

"I wish to thank him
And I know the way
I will go with him and
be his protoge!"

And so, from Kris Kringle
I learned to make toys
and my sister to torture
Naughty girls and boys.

And every evening
from that point thereafter
My dreams were full of parent screams
and my sister's laughter.

And so this ends our
Happy Christmas Story
If you're nice and not naughty
You've no need to worry

But if your heart's full of coal
and you're an evil mister
Try to hide, but you'll soon meet
Krampus and my sister.


1 comment:

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