'Twas the Night Before KRAMPUS

Ever wonder what happens to the boys and girls who don't make Santa's "nice" list?  They fall victim to the fearsome beast named...Krampus.  Tonight, we present a special Christmas tale called..."Twas the Night Before Krampus."

Listen to the MP3 of this poem by clicking here! 

Twas the night before Christmas

And deep in our bunker

My mom, dad, sister and

I did hunker.

The streetlights were dark

No carolers sang

not even the blessings

of church bells rang.

And beneath our beds

We all huddled tight

And hoped he would pass

by our house tonight.

Everyone knows of

Jolly Saint Nick

and the gifts he brings

on his single night trick.

And the presents and baubles

and candy and toys

that he brings every Christmas

to good girls and boys

But it wasn't the man

with red suit and white beard

whose annual Christmas

visit we feared

Outside in the snow

we heard a loud howl

the crunching of ice

and an animal growl

I heard it sniff by our

window payne

then a throaty laugh

and saw red eyes like flame

My sister and I

both stared horrified

and prayed that the creature

could not get inside

but a moment later

a thundering pound

turned our door to splinters

all over the ground

I screamed as the creature

into our home came

This horrible beast

Von Krampus by name

He was massively tall

At least seven feet

From the points of his horns

to his hoof-shodden feet

Across his back what I

Mistook for a coat

Was the shaggy long hair

of a filthy dead goat

And I cried and I swallowed

My terrified pangs

at the sight of his wickedly

razor-sharp fangs.

His claw-fingered hands

looked ready for pain

in one was a bullwhip

the other a chain

He growled and sneered

and laughed for a while

then he pointed at us

and said "Naughty" with a smile

My sister and I

Both shook with fear

what terrible things

had we done this year?

We tried to be good

and thought we succeeded

we minded our manners

no punishment needed

We both made good grades!

We neither one lied

or cheated or stole

We had nothing to hide!

But Krampus still came

With his evil heart black

to steal us away,

Stuff us in his sack

To take us away

to his punishment cave

where all the bad children

forever his slaves

We turned to our parents

behind them to hide

but they both shook their heads

and sadly stepped aside

"You must face the music"

My father lamented

Von Krampus then laughed

his expression demented

My sister and I

hugged each other tight

And prayed that someone

could save us that night

And just when we gave up

and all hope was gone

there came a loud clatter

from out on the lawn

With a tinkle of bells

our spirits did lift

Von Krampus snarled

the air he did sniff

On the wind came the scent

of holly and pine

of gingerbread cookies

and holiday wine

In the doorway he stood

in his suit of bright red

St. Nicholas came!

We cried out and said:

"Save us St. Nicholas!

There's been a mistake!

We've been good all year!

You can't let him take..."

"Hold on!  Not so fast!"

He raised his great hand

"There is something happening

you don't understand!

Von Krampus did come

that much is true

but the demon of Christmas

did NOT come for you."

At the demon we stared

both of us confused.

He had to be here for

somebody...but who?

Then I started to think

and all became clear.

Who'd been the naughtiest

of all that year?

Well...Mommy drank vodka

by pitchers and glasses

and Daddy watched porn

and cheated on taxes.

And Mommy spent far too much

time on her hair

and Daddy had something

he called "an affair."

And Mommy spent all of

my birthday money.

And Daddy called sister

his own secret honey

The more that I thought

the more I understood

We children were fine,

But the parents, no good.

"But Krampus takes children!"

My father protested.

And Santa's face twisted

toward the man he detested.

"Christmas time is for children,

And gifts to be given.

You took their innocence

and that can't be forgiven.

You scared them into silence

their souls you did twist

And to top it off told them

I didn't exist.

For your your lifelong naughtiness

The piper must be paid."

And set Krampus upon them

with a dismissive wave.

The adults screamed as they

went into his sack

And we cried until Santa

patted my back.

"What's wrong?" Asked Saint Nickolas

"I thought you'd be happy

to be rid of those people

who treated you crappy."

"We are," I sniffed,

sincere as could be.

"But what is to become

of my sister and me?"

St. Nickolas smiled

And laughed loud and deep

As did Krampus, A sound

that still haunts my sleep

"Why, you'll come with me!"

He said with great joy.

"I have great use for

a good girl and boy!

You'll come to my workshop

and work with my elves

I promise that you will

enjoy yourselves!

I'll teach you my secrets

my toy making ways

And you'll take over when

I've ended my days!"

"But..."  Said my sister.

"What about him?

Won't Krampus be lonely?"

She scratched his chin

"I wish to thank him

And I know the way

I will go with him and

be his protoge!"

And so, from Kris Kringle

I learned to make toys

and my sister to torture

Naughty girls and boys.

And every evening

from that point thereafter

My dreams were full of parent screams

and my sister's laughter.

And so this ends our

Happy Christmas Story

If you're nice and not naughty

You've no need to worry

But if your heart's full of coal

and you're an evil mister

Try to hide, but you'll soon meet

Krampus and my sister.

Twas the Night Before Christmas...MY WAY.

I've been reading and performing this for years, but this is my version of "Twas the Night Before Christmas."  Hope you enjoy it.   I'll post the other version (Twas the Night Before Krampus) later. 




Listen to the MP3!

T'was the night before Christmas

In my mausoleum.

The ghosts were about

but only I could see 'em.

There were chains on the gates,

and snares on the ground.

Not good at Christmas

to have zombies walking around

The corpses were snuggled

and locked in their coffins.

And they never complained

well...at least not often.

And I hunkered down

inside my old crypt

and resumed my vigil

for the fat-man's night trip.

When from out in the grave yard

there arose such a ruccus

I ran past the headstones

with pants on my tuccus...

The moonlight fell down

in a softening glow

setting the headstones

alight in the snow.

Amid all the finery

of the white wonderland

I spied a lone zombie

chewing on a hand.

Then beyond, a few more

around the downed sleigh

I took up my pitchfork

and leapt in the fray

The zombies were feasting

on Santa's entrails

and wiping their mouths

on fluffy reindeer tails

I kicked them and beat them

and sent them a'scurry.

I had to save Santa

double quick in a hurry

But just as I cleared

away all the rot,

I found that my struggles

had all been for naught

Santa, what was left

was a puddle of goo,

the sleigh was demolished,

The reindeer dead too.

Poor children of the world,

for they would not see

any toys for Christmas.

All because of me.

I hadn't been quick enough

I'd slacked in my task

But I could set it right

with one favor to ask.

I lit a black candle

and knelt in the snow

for the old ones like ritual

like this, don't you know?

I called to Cthulhu

to beg him this favor.

In my determination

I never did waver.

The earth it did shake

and smoke gathered round

when the tentacled old-one

came up from the ground.

I asked him my favor,

he squinted his eye,

then he shook his head slowly

and said "Again?" with a sigh.

"This happened last year

in case you don't remember.

I usually like to see

people dismembered."

But I begged him please

and he sighed "very well,

but that's now five million years

you must spend in hell."

He waved his great arms

and blood did congeal,

wood did unsplinter,

contusions did heal.

The sleigh was intact,

none the worse for wear.

And the reindeer now lived,

despite missing some hair

And what of the fate

of the jolly-red elf?

Said the old one, "I'd planned

on eating him myself."

But a deal was a deal,

he had to concede.

The soul of the fat man,

for this year, was freed.

The goo pulled together

and began to reform

as toys all around him

began to swarm.

In an instant he was

as he was meant to be.

He seemed back to normal

from what I could see.

Some pieces were missing,

sure that I'll admit,

but we couldn't find everything

the zombies had bit..

But his nose like a button

and his great giant belly

both came back from

the puddle of jelly

He climbed in his sleigh

and whipped the deer hard

And flew with such speed

from my lonely graveyard.

And although I helped him,

I'll still get coal rocks

for a zombie destroyed

Old Saint Nick's voice box.

He was almost perfect,

the best I could do,

considering he'd just been

a puddle of goo.

He flew through the sky

and never looked back.

Who would, after such

a zombie attack?

But I did hear him call

as he drove out of sight,

"Arroughahghhghghtall

arrluglushjghgooghight!"

Looking Back, Looking Forward

We're mere weeks away from the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012.  Last year, around this time, I put up a list of goals for the following year.  I'm happy to say I accomplished most, if not all of them. I did, in fact, lose a great deal of weight (which I promptly gained back again when I quit smoking), got another book published, landed an agent, and did lots of good things that made me appear to be a shiny happy person.  Along the way, I learned a few things.  Among them:

• No matter what I write here in this blog, someone's going to take offense.  And I will hear about it.
• I have the best friends in the world and they're scattered all over the world.  Russia, South Korea, Pittsburgh, Texas, California...There are even a few that I don't know where the hell they are, but they're my dear friends anyway. 
• It is possible to have a moment of true happiness, even it is a tiny one.  Those moments are what make life worth living. 

So, with that in mind, I figured I'd state a few goals for 2012 (provided the earth doesn't explode in some Mayan-predicted mishap, although that would be very entertaining).  Keep in mind, I feel the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing just begs to have them broken.  That's why these are goals.  

• Lose weight.  Again.  I need to lose about sixty pounds.  And, here's the kicker, I want to do it by June.  I want to look good in my kilt for the next residency. 
• More publishing.  The third book in the Stanley Cooper Chronicles will be out, but I also want to expand into other areas.  (Remind me to tell you about my friends Sonny Redwood and William Strange.)  I would also love it if my agent sold the two novels of mine she's shopping around. 
• Write more.  Some people question what I mean when I say that because they know I'm ALWAYS working.  I have the disposition of a hermit much of the time because I'm always busy.  But there are more stories to be told. 
• Read more.  Always.
• Go to more conventions.  This year, I'm eyeballing Armadillocon and Austin Comic Con, but I'm open for any conventions a person wants to book me for.  
• Get into better health.  That kind of falls under the losing weight thing, but it's more that I need to be more healthy again.  I want to be around to see my grandkids, if I get any.  That's not a hint!  I don't want grandkids right now!  I'm only 40 for crying out loud!  
• Produce more.  That'll be interesting...More on that as it develops. 

So that's it.  Short list, right?  But, sitting here, in this chair, it feels almost insurmountable.  Almost.  One thing I can say:  I've never failed to reach a goal.  I just haven't.  It's not an option for me.  It's one of those things my Father instilled in me, a distinct lack of "quit."  So no matter what, I'll reach those goals.  

Now it's your turn.  What do you have planned for 2012?  Anything good?  Anything bad?  Leave it in the comments.  I'd be glad to hear from you.